Being both mom and dad is a reality many single mothers know, even if few people talk about it honestly.
Father’s Day is a day we don’t celebrated at home.
Not because I forgot, and not because it is a painful subject. Simply because it does not apply to our life. Felisberta’s father has chosen to be absent, and we have built our world around the two of us. That is our normal. Most days, it does not even register.
But this year, someone else was paying attention.
The Surprise I Did Not See Coming
I had gone out. Bruna, Felisberta’s babysitter, was home with her. What I did not know was that Bruna had a plan.
She had been watching our life up close for a long time. She had seen the early mornings and the late nights. She had seen me show up, every single day, for everything. And that Father’s Day, she decided to do something about it.
When I arrived home, the flowers were the first thing I saw. And then my daughter. Bruna had told her: your mum is both your mum and your dad. She is everything.
I walked in, I saw the flowers, I saw Felisberta’s face, and I could not hold it together.
On Father’s Day and Absent Fathers
I want to be honest, because that is what this space is for.
We do not grieve the absent parent. Felisberta has never had a relationship with her father, and his absence is his choice. We do not spend energy on what is not there. We spend it on what is.
What is here is me. Fully present, fully committed, playing every role that needs to be played.
And sometimes, the people around you see that more clearly than you do. Sometimes it takes a babysitter with a bouquet of roses to hold up a mirror and show you what you have built.
If you are also walking this road, you might relate to what I share in my post Loneliness as a Single Mother: What No One Talks About. The loneliness is real. But so is the love. And on most days, the love is louder.
To Every Mom Playing Both Roles
You are not failing because you are doing it alone. You are succeeding in conditions that were never designed to be easy.
The resilience you have built, quietly, in the school runs and the long nights and the moments when you had nothing left and showed up anyway, that is extraordinary. Even when it feels entirely ordinary. Research on single-mother resilience confirms that social support and internal strengths are the two greatest predictors of wellbeing in solo-parent families, and you are building both, even when it does not feel like it.
To all the moms playing both roles: you are seen. You are valued. You are incredible.
A special thank you to Bruna, who saw me before I saw myself that day.
And if you are trying to protect your energy while carrying two roles, my reflections in How to Set Boundaries and Say No Without Feeling Guilty might be worth a read. You cannot pour from empty, and you matter too.
You might also find comfort in How to Survive Difficult Days Without Feeling Overwhelmed, for the harder days when the roses feel far away.
Keep going. Your kids are watching.
