Can a Marriage Survive Cheating? | The case

She is forty eight and has been married for about twenty five years. Three weeks ago she found out her husband had been cheating on her for two years. They have three teenage children and she has no idea what to do with this information.

He says he is sorry. He cries, really cries, messy face and all. The whole scene is dramatic. She is in enormous pain and she asked me two things. How I got through my own situation and whether every marriage is condemned after betrayal, or if I believe there is any chance when the person seems genuinely repentant.

How I got through my own betrayal

I consider myself fortunate in one thing that is not easy and usually comes from childhood and the way we are built. I developed good self esteem and a solid level of self love. With that in place, I simply cannot see myself looking in the mirror and allowing someone who betrayed me to come back and share my intimacy again.

For me that door does not reopen.

What betrayal represents to me

A lot of people reduce cheating to “he slept with someone” or “she slept with someone”. That is not where my focus goes. For me, betrayal is the impact it has on me and on the relationship.

Cheating represents loss of trust. It is a selfish act. It shows disregard. It tells me the relationship was not being taken care of while I was living inside it. For me it is disrespect. It feels like lack of love. It represents many things at once and none of them are light.

When someone makes that choice, I cannot accept that person back in the same place.

Can a relationship be rebuilt after betrayal

Now, can a relationship be rebuilt after betrayal? Yes, there are cases where it can. I learned that at the time, because everything that happens in my life I go and research. I read, I watch documentaries, I look for information.

I found a documentary that showed how it is possible to recover a marriage or a relationship after cheating. It is possible. The issue is that the person who betrayed has to follow certain steps, and that is where we see real repentance.

Crying with snot on the face is not proof of anything. Someone can be crying because they are upset they were caught. Because they know family will find out. Friends will find out. There is shame, at least for those who are capable of feeling shame. There are also the shameless ones who even boast about what they did and feel proud. A person can be crying for many reasons that have nothing to do with true remorse.

What the unfaithful partner must be willing to do

The recovery of a relationship after betrayal has steps that the one who cheated must follow.

First, the person who cheated needs to have patience. A lot of patience.

The betrayed partner will usually want details. The betrayed person wants to know who it was, when it started, how it happened. There are cases of men who ask their wives very specific questions about the sexual side of what happened with the lover. There are many details the betrayed one wants to know, and the unfaithful partner often does not want to answer because it reminds them of something they feel ashamed of if they are truly remorseful. They feel bad when they remember it.

Even so, they need to answer. Answer honestly to the questions of the betrayed partner.

Another important step is this. The betrayed person cries. From time to time they break down again. The one who cheated has to take that and stay. The betrayed partner has very frequent mood swings. The one who cheated has to take that and stay. The betrayed person will bring up the subject, talk about it, argue about it. Recovery from betrayal can take months, sometimes years. The one who cheated has to hold that reality very patiently and with a lot of dedication.

Someone who betrayed and is truly remorseful feels pain. They feel pain every time they remember what they did. They feel pain each time they see the betrayed partner suffer, cry, bring the subject back, ask questions, ask to see the phone, ask for explanations. They have to answer everything with patience, ask for forgiveness genuinely many times, because the betrayed person is going through a very big recovery process.

The many layers of pain for the betrayed partner

Betrayal is a terrible trauma in our lives. A real trauma. It touches a lot of things at the same time.

It touches trust. You lose trust in your partner. They say they are going to the supermarket and you are already thinking that maybe they will call someone or meet someone. Your mind goes there immediately.

It touches self esteem. The person starts to think “I was not enough, I was not sufficient, that is why he needed someone else”.

It touches self love. The betrayed one can start to self destruct, because little by little they begin to like themselves less.

It touches shame. Many times it is not something that stays inside the family or inside the home. Relatives and friends find out, people talk, people notice. Many feel ashamed that others know their husband or wife cheated and they have to put on that forced smile and pretend they do not notice the comments.

There are so many layers of suffering in someone who has been betrayed that, if the one who cheated is truly remorseful and willing to face months and months of work, patience and dedication, the relationship can be saved. As long as there is no rush.

The documentary I mentioned added one detail that stayed with me. When the couple returns to intimacy, to sexual contact, many times the moment either begins or ends with tears. That shows how many layers there are to work through after betrayal.

If you feel emotionally abandoned in your own home and that loneliness hurts as much as the betrayal itself, you might want to read Why You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship (From One Woman to Another) next.

If you are in this place and you feel your self esteem has been smashed, start by coming back to yourself. A simple daily self-care and self-love journal can help you organise your thoughts, track your triggers and remember who you were before this story.

So, can this marriage be saved

If you have a partner who is genuinely remorseful, who cheated once, because we only call it repentance when it happens once and does not repeat, and who is willing to understand that your recovery process takes time and is patient, the relationship can be saved.

If it happens two, three times, there is no possible repentance there. In that case I do not believe there is any salvation. At that point it is simply a question of agreeing that the disrespect started and has no end date. It only grows.

That is my opinion.

For this woman, all I can do is wish her strength. I hope he is truly remorseful and ready for the work in front of him. And if both want to try to save the marriage, couples therapy. Couples therapy. Couples therapy. You will need that support.

And if deep down you already know he is not willing to do this work and you are the only one fighting for the relationship, it is time to look at how to stop chasing someone who never truly shows up for you.

FAQ